A week ago, Senator John Edwards was added to John Kerry's presidential ticket. People are excited that Edwards will add a much needed youth and energy to the ticket.
John Edwards is fifty-one years old. Not even the Ramones were energetic or youthful at fifty-one. Excluding Mugsey Bogues I don't think anyone from North Carolina has been claimed energetic, either. Usually North Carolinians are content to "sit a spell" and "whittle wood". John Edwards is also a former personal injury lawyer. Which means that if he and Kerry are elected into office, Edwards will do his best to withdraw troops from Iraq and then make them wear neck braces so they can collect. Also, I think I heard that he talks to dead people on the Sci Fi Channel on the side.
John Kerry chose Edward as his running mate because Senator John McCain, a Republican, turned him down. McCain did this because John Kerry looks like Skelator and as we all know, Republicans hate Skelator. He Man was a well known member of the GOP. Why was He Man in the GOP? Cuz he was a celebrity. Everyone always asks why Democrats have so many damn celebrity endorsements. Well, it could be because actors and musicians are just naturally liberal because hey! that's just what being artistic does to you. But, nay! Republicans have just as many celebrity supporters, it's just that theirs always run and become the politicians they're endorsing. From Reagan to Arnold to (suddenly) Mike Ditka more Republican celebrities run for office than Democratic celebrities.
This, of course, is wack. Ditka is only a celebrity in Chicago; Reagan only made lame monkey movies and Arnold's career died with "Jingle all the Way". A lot of Democratic supporters I see are still actually stars and if ran for any office could totally rock that shit. If washed up Arnold Schwarzennegger can be Governor of the most important state in the union then no doubt could someone like Matt Damon (Democrat) easily become President. I mean between "Oceans's 11" and "The Bourne Supremacy", he's so hot right now.
Back to the point at hand, John Kerry looks like Skelator and is a tool. He voted both for and against President Bush's 800 million billion dollar plan to take over Iraq for no reason. He says that he'll keep abortion legal despite the fact that he believes it is wrong and that is sends babies to Purgatory (he's Catholic (yuck!!)). Kerry can't make up his mind. This is made especially clear by the fact that he looks like Skelator.
Also, he just seems to be an automaton built by the Democratic Party. He has qualities of all the coolest Democrats in recent memory. He plays up the whole John F. Kerry thing. John F Kerry. John F Kennedy. It's very easy. I'm sure a more than a few young people will vote for Kerry just because they're stupid and think he's actually John F Kennedy. They would vote for Kennedy, of course, strictly because he totally banged Marilyn Monroe which is something Anton LaVey failed to do, which is why John F Kennedy is the real leader of the Satanic Church (unofficially). Also, old people will vote for Kerry thinking he's Kennedy because they are old and have already forgotten that Danzig shot Kennedy in Texas thirty years ago. I mean Oswald. Oswald shot Kennedy.
Kerry has a similar haircut to former President Bill Clinton. This, I feel, will help Kerry more than anything else in this election. On first impression, I totally wanted to vote for Kerry because he looked like Clinton and Clinton is fuckin' rad. I'm sure most Clinton fans feel this way. Another thing going for Kerry is the fact that his daughters are way hotter than Bush's daughters. Though they're not as slutty, which can go both ways (especially in swing states like Michigan and Wisconsin).
But, back to Edwards. He, too, is a tool. He's only been a senator for a few years and prior to this has no political experience. I have no experience hunting lions, so don't chose me to hunt lions with you. The same rules should apply here.
There you have it, the Skelator/Edwards ticket is lame. Vote for someone else. But not Bush.
Surprisingly Liberal,
Tim Death
July 15, 2004
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Seatbelts are for pussies
It's now a law to wear seatbelts? The slogan is telling me that I have to "Click it" or I get a ticket. I know cops are serious because it rhymes.
What the fuck? If I'm in my car minding my own leave me alone, cop. I mean a seatbelt is my business. I dont care if it's for "my own safety", are you going to ticket me for not wearing a condom? Are you gonna ticket me for breathing in your second hand smoke? And, oh, don't forget ticketing me for drinking a beer. Then ticket me again for drinking that beer in front of Straight Edge kids.
I mean, what does the government care if I die? Oh, well. I hear that fatalities and accidents involving those not wearing seat belts costs the U.S. approximately $20 billion per year. Of that cost, 74% of the tab is paid for by the public. Well, then. 20 billion a year to clean brains up of the road? America is getting ripped off!! And if I'm the one paying for 74% of this, then fuck it, It's my money, it's my decision to not wear the shit. I'm not paying 75% of 20 billion dollars to not get a choice in the matter!
Who likes math? Me neither, but dig this: In 2002, 42,850 people died in traffic accidents. Of that number, 19, 103 were not wearing seat belts.
4,200 lives could be saved each year if 90% of the U.S. population wore seat belts.
Now, about half of all the fatal car wrecks were people without seatbelts. And about a fourth of those people could have been saved if they did have seatbelts. So that means that if everyone wore seatbelts, then like an 8th of those people wouldn't die. One in eight? Thats just not worth it. And, hey. Wait a fuckin second. More than half of the fatal car wreck victims did have their seatbelts on. More than half of the dead people!!! Seems like seatbelts killed more people than they saved. More than half!
Click on 2% of my ass, cop.
Tim Death
June 2004
What the fuck? If I'm in my car minding my own leave me alone, cop. I mean a seatbelt is my business. I dont care if it's for "my own safety", are you going to ticket me for not wearing a condom? Are you gonna ticket me for breathing in your second hand smoke? And, oh, don't forget ticketing me for drinking a beer. Then ticket me again for drinking that beer in front of Straight Edge kids.
I mean, what does the government care if I die? Oh, well. I hear that fatalities and accidents involving those not wearing seat belts costs the U.S. approximately $20 billion per year. Of that cost, 74% of the tab is paid for by the public. Well, then. 20 billion a year to clean brains up of the road? America is getting ripped off!! And if I'm the one paying for 74% of this, then fuck it, It's my money, it's my decision to not wear the shit. I'm not paying 75% of 20 billion dollars to not get a choice in the matter!
Who likes math? Me neither, but dig this: In 2002, 42,850 people died in traffic accidents. Of that number, 19, 103 were not wearing seat belts.
4,200 lives could be saved each year if 90% of the U.S. population wore seat belts.
Now, about half of all the fatal car wrecks were people without seatbelts. And about a fourth of those people could have been saved if they did have seatbelts. So that means that if everyone wore seatbelts, then like an 8th of those people wouldn't die. One in eight? Thats just not worth it. And, hey. Wait a fuckin second. More than half of the fatal car wreck victims did have their seatbelts on. More than half of the dead people!!! Seems like seatbelts killed more people than they saved. More than half!
Click on 2% of my ass, cop.
Tim Death
June 2004
Tim Death's dating advice
Hi, kids. If you’re like Tim Death, you don’t go on many dates. And that’s why you need to make the few you do go on very special. Well, luckily ol’ Tim Death goes on a lot of dates and knows a lot about them. So, just sit on back and learn from his mistakes.
Firstly, when going on a first date remember to wear clothes. Clothes are stylish and wearing them prevents you from being arrested.
At a restaurant
When asked about your smoking preference when about to be seated do not say “Weed”. Instead say “Whatever the lady wants” and if she says “weed” then it’s cool. She’s not a cop.
--Do not exclaim “We don’t need your socialist literature!” when the server hands you the menus. It isn’t a very funny joke and it’s even less funny if you’re serious.
--Do not complain that the food isn’t as good as that time you got dared by your buddies to eat that dead cat. I mean, we all know cat is good as hell but it’s rude to talk about.
--Do not return from the restroom, touch your date on the cheek and say “I hate it when I pee on myself”. This is not funny. Especially if you have peed on yourself.
--Do not try to impress your date by saying “Man, I’d tip, but all I have is this million dollar bill”. Million dollar bills don’t exist. I know this because I have a million dollars, but it’s all in twenties.
At a club
--When entering a club, do not say “Finally some hot bitches.”
--If security is metal detecting everyone, do not make try to impress your date by saying “Yeah, the detector’s going off because I’m half robot”. It’s a proven fact: Chicks don’t dig robots. Guys are the only gender that has fantasies about making it with a cyborg, ironically.
--Buy a drink for you and your date. Do not, however, buy two drinks for your date and say “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!!”.
--Also, you should not buy two drinks for yourself and say to your date “I’m gonna need these.”
--Do not hit the dance floor thinking that doing the Travolta/Thurman dance from “Pulp Fiction” is still cool. If you want to mimic a cool dance film then see “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo”.
--Do not try to challenge the MC. Chances are, there is no MC. It’s a record that the deejay is playing.
At a movie
--Do not try to get in cheaper by assuring the ticket booth worker that neither you nor your date are older than twelve.
-- Do not tip the ushers to look generous. Ushers suck.
-- Do not look around the hobby, pointing at girls saying “Do her, Do her, Too fat, Do her, Too skanky, Do her, not skanky enough”.
-- During the film, do not lean over to your date and explain why you could kick Rambo’s ass. Sure, during a Rambo film, this might be slightly acceptable, but they haven’t made one of those in 15 years.
--Don’t laugh when a little kid dies in the movie.
Talking afterward
--Despite what I may have told you in the past, “You’re alright for a girl” is not a good compliment.
--Don’t write and then read her poetry about her. Not in one sitting, no.
--Do not pour Morton’s Salt on her sneakers.
--Do not show her pictures of your ex girlfriends.
--Do not stare at her breasts. Chicks hate that. Stare into her breasts. Chicks love that.
--Don’t invite your friends along. Especially if the majority of your friends are stuffed animal Snorks or Ninja Turtle action figures.
Well, kids, that’s about the brunt of what I’ve learned on dates the hard way. Use this information wisely for it may be false.
Dating yo momma,
Tim Death
March 2004
Firstly, when going on a first date remember to wear clothes. Clothes are stylish and wearing them prevents you from being arrested.
At a restaurant
When asked about your smoking preference when about to be seated do not say “Weed”. Instead say “Whatever the lady wants” and if she says “weed” then it’s cool. She’s not a cop.
--Do not exclaim “We don’t need your socialist literature!” when the server hands you the menus. It isn’t a very funny joke and it’s even less funny if you’re serious.
--Do not complain that the food isn’t as good as that time you got dared by your buddies to eat that dead cat. I mean, we all know cat is good as hell but it’s rude to talk about.
--Do not return from the restroom, touch your date on the cheek and say “I hate it when I pee on myself”. This is not funny. Especially if you have peed on yourself.
--Do not try to impress your date by saying “Man, I’d tip, but all I have is this million dollar bill”. Million dollar bills don’t exist. I know this because I have a million dollars, but it’s all in twenties.
At a club
--When entering a club, do not say “Finally some hot bitches.”
--If security is metal detecting everyone, do not make try to impress your date by saying “Yeah, the detector’s going off because I’m half robot”. It’s a proven fact: Chicks don’t dig robots. Guys are the only gender that has fantasies about making it with a cyborg, ironically.
--Buy a drink for you and your date. Do not, however, buy two drinks for your date and say “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!!”.
--Also, you should not buy two drinks for yourself and say to your date “I’m gonna need these.”
--Do not hit the dance floor thinking that doing the Travolta/Thurman dance from “Pulp Fiction” is still cool. If you want to mimic a cool dance film then see “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo”.
--Do not try to challenge the MC. Chances are, there is no MC. It’s a record that the deejay is playing.
At a movie
--Do not try to get in cheaper by assuring the ticket booth worker that neither you nor your date are older than twelve.
-- Do not tip the ushers to look generous. Ushers suck.
-- Do not look around the hobby, pointing at girls saying “Do her, Do her, Too fat, Do her, Too skanky, Do her, not skanky enough”.
-- During the film, do not lean over to your date and explain why you could kick Rambo’s ass. Sure, during a Rambo film, this might be slightly acceptable, but they haven’t made one of those in 15 years.
--Don’t laugh when a little kid dies in the movie.
Talking afterward
--Despite what I may have told you in the past, “You’re alright for a girl” is not a good compliment.
--Don’t write and then read her poetry about her. Not in one sitting, no.
--Do not pour Morton’s Salt on her sneakers.
--Do not show her pictures of your ex girlfriends.
--Do not stare at her breasts. Chicks hate that. Stare into her breasts. Chicks love that.
--Don’t invite your friends along. Especially if the majority of your friends are stuffed animal Snorks or Ninja Turtle action figures.
Well, kids, that’s about the brunt of what I’ve learned on dates the hard way. Use this information wisely for it may be false.
Dating yo momma,
Tim Death
March 2004
Friday, April 24, 2009
Suicide Humor
In a nation wide survey released this week, almost 1 in 10 college students said they’ve “seriously considered” suicide in the last year. And in a my-room wide survey released just now 1 in 1 Tim Deaths “seriously hate people who ‘seriously consider’” suicide.
What a boring thing to “consider”. Suicide is supposed to be impromptu like a wild beach party not all planned out like a lame rave party. Besides, painting a room or buying a car is something you consider, not ripping open your wrists.
The study also said that 33.4% of college students have “felt hopeless 3 or more times” the previous year. Well, guess what? If you feel hopeless 3 times within the span of a year, you a worthless butt hole. Feeling hopeless 3 times means that you felt hopeful at least 5 times that year. So, your ratio is looking quite good. And the odds are in favor of you feeling hopeful in Vegas right now. The odds are, in fact 5 to 3. That’s not hopeless at all. In fact, I hope your parents fix your car or you bring that B minus up to a B plus so you stop crying and telling USA Today that you’re hopeless. 3 times a year? I feel hopeless at least three times a day. Why, just today CD Connection didn’t have the new Scarling album, so I felt hopeless and then the gas light in my car turned on RIGHT BEFORE I pulled into Speedway, so I felt hopeless. After that, my Dr. Pepper was a little flat, so I felt pretty hopeless.
Twenty Two percent of these college students were so depressed in the previous year that they “could not function”. C’mon, now. I’ve seen college kids. They function. They totally go to Starbucks and order the large mocha frap no problem! And that’s all they need. It’s all they’re good for.
One depressed, suicidal girl said that she got help and now she can “Talk in front of large groups of people” and feels more “confident”. Well, good! I’m sorry that being suicidal hindered your ability to make speeches. Stupid. When it hinders your ability to move or to be alive then you got yourself a suicide problem!
In fact, most of these dumbass kids said they felt depressed because they felt inferior to their peers. That’s so lame and boring. It depresses me that I’m so much more awesome than my peers. I can sit in a club or at a party and look at every person there one by one and point out why I’m more radical than they are, and I can do it while chugging a cold one. In fact, the people I feel inferior to are the reasons I like living! I’m constantly saying things like “Wow, I totally think Motorhead are cooler than I am. I should stay alive so I can listen to them.”and “I’m pretty cool, but Freddy and Jason are cooler, so I’ll watch their movies instead of dying.” And so on.
The article goes on to say that kids in college are “waaaaayyyy more likely” to kill themselves than kids who aren’t in college. Well, this I can’t understand. I thought college was supposed to make you smart? Maybe the new school of thought at these fancy campuses is that 1+1+1= overdose on pills and Nyquil? Or that in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean su … icide. Stupid fancy college with their stupid “sign up dates” and “rules”. Maybe if the books didn’t cost 75 bucks and have a 37 cent sell back price then kids wouldn’t keep soiling your dorm rooms with blown out brains!
Also, the lunch is never very good.
According to some doctor that’s probably never wanted to commit suicide, some of the telltale signs that your college buddy is gonna off himself are: They don’t eat or sleep, they experience drastic change in behavior, they lose interest in school or work and/or they increase the use of drugs or alcohol. According to this bullshit, 99.5% of college kids I know are going to kill themselves. Another telltale sign is if your friend gives away all their prized possessions. Now, if I die, I want to be buried with all my prized possessions. I want to look in my casket similar to a little kid in the ball room at Chuck E. Cheese’s. I wanna be buried deep within Alan Moore comic books, Breakin’ DVDs and Invader Zim stuffed animals like they were quicksand.
So, in conclusion, don’t kill yourself because your friends will remember you as “the one that killed theirself” and the newspapers will remember you as the 0.67% of young people who “seriously considered suicide in the previous year… and then did it.”
Not Dead,
Tim Death
March 5, 2004
What a boring thing to “consider”. Suicide is supposed to be impromptu like a wild beach party not all planned out like a lame rave party. Besides, painting a room or buying a car is something you consider, not ripping open your wrists.
The study also said that 33.4% of college students have “felt hopeless 3 or more times” the previous year. Well, guess what? If you feel hopeless 3 times within the span of a year, you a worthless butt hole. Feeling hopeless 3 times means that you felt hopeful at least 5 times that year. So, your ratio is looking quite good. And the odds are in favor of you feeling hopeful in Vegas right now. The odds are, in fact 5 to 3. That’s not hopeless at all. In fact, I hope your parents fix your car or you bring that B minus up to a B plus so you stop crying and telling USA Today that you’re hopeless. 3 times a year? I feel hopeless at least three times a day. Why, just today CD Connection didn’t have the new Scarling album, so I felt hopeless and then the gas light in my car turned on RIGHT BEFORE I pulled into Speedway, so I felt hopeless. After that, my Dr. Pepper was a little flat, so I felt pretty hopeless.
Twenty Two percent of these college students were so depressed in the previous year that they “could not function”. C’mon, now. I’ve seen college kids. They function. They totally go to Starbucks and order the large mocha frap no problem! And that’s all they need. It’s all they’re good for.
One depressed, suicidal girl said that she got help and now she can “Talk in front of large groups of people” and feels more “confident”. Well, good! I’m sorry that being suicidal hindered your ability to make speeches. Stupid. When it hinders your ability to move or to be alive then you got yourself a suicide problem!
In fact, most of these dumbass kids said they felt depressed because they felt inferior to their peers. That’s so lame and boring. It depresses me that I’m so much more awesome than my peers. I can sit in a club or at a party and look at every person there one by one and point out why I’m more radical than they are, and I can do it while chugging a cold one. In fact, the people I feel inferior to are the reasons I like living! I’m constantly saying things like “Wow, I totally think Motorhead are cooler than I am. I should stay alive so I can listen to them.”and “I’m pretty cool, but Freddy and Jason are cooler, so I’ll watch their movies instead of dying.” And so on.
The article goes on to say that kids in college are “waaaaayyyy more likely” to kill themselves than kids who aren’t in college. Well, this I can’t understand. I thought college was supposed to make you smart? Maybe the new school of thought at these fancy campuses is that 1+1+1= overdose on pills and Nyquil? Or that in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean su … icide. Stupid fancy college with their stupid “sign up dates” and “rules”. Maybe if the books didn’t cost 75 bucks and have a 37 cent sell back price then kids wouldn’t keep soiling your dorm rooms with blown out brains!
Also, the lunch is never very good.
According to some doctor that’s probably never wanted to commit suicide, some of the telltale signs that your college buddy is gonna off himself are: They don’t eat or sleep, they experience drastic change in behavior, they lose interest in school or work and/or they increase the use of drugs or alcohol. According to this bullshit, 99.5% of college kids I know are going to kill themselves. Another telltale sign is if your friend gives away all their prized possessions. Now, if I die, I want to be buried with all my prized possessions. I want to look in my casket similar to a little kid in the ball room at Chuck E. Cheese’s. I wanna be buried deep within Alan Moore comic books, Breakin’ DVDs and Invader Zim stuffed animals like they were quicksand.
So, in conclusion, don’t kill yourself because your friends will remember you as “the one that killed theirself” and the newspapers will remember you as the 0.67% of young people who “seriously considered suicide in the previous year… and then did it.”
Not Dead,
Tim Death
March 5, 2004
Trampolines: Fun or Muder?
Sometimes safety precautions can go bad. Proof of that is everywhere. Seat belts holding car crash victims inside the burning wreckage. Smoke alarms fail to work resulting in houses burning down. Too much friction on condoms, resulting in a huge burst of flame. Even the protection from police officers backfires when they "find" "guns" and "heroin" in your "car" and then proceed to "beat" you "mercilessly" when you tell them to "fuck" themselves in the "ass". Protect and serve my foot.
Today, I was too lazy to change the channel after "The Simpsons" ended. Sadly, I was forced to watch the news. And one such incident of "When Safety Goes Bad" occurred. I didn’t catch the entire story, because The Cool Ranch Doritos I was eating made a loud crunching. But, apparently some family bought a net for their trampoline. The net was designed to go up and around the trampoline, essentially locking kids in. I guess, so they don't fall out or off the trampoline.
The family's boy died. I'm not sure of all the details, but strangled in the net, I’ve heard. The crying family pleaded on the news.
"JumpKing Products took my boy!!” the woman cried out. "The Company Hasn’t returned any of our emails or phone calls! Don’t they care?"
What the woman meant was:
"Jump King is a very rich company. We would like to have a new house in exchange for this boy's life, but they wont call us back."
This parent is like the parents that blame "Jackass" and Ermine for their kid's death. Bad parents. Except that kids buy their own Cds. This parent bought this death trap for their kid. Their 18-month-old kid. They must have thought, "Hey, I think I'll get a device that launches my kid into the air. But, what if he falls off the device? I know! I'll get the same netting they use to kill dolphins to protect my boy! Im the best mom ever!"
Trampolines aren’t exactly the safest things around to begin with. This is why they use them in Japanese Death Matches!! But to leave your 18-month-old baby on one that has horrible nets all around it, unsupervised is very unsafe. And these parents obviously knew that. They also knew that checks come large when kids die.
The tag on JumpKing products clearly reads:
"Landing incorrectly, falling off, rebounding, stepping, falling, etc. are hazards". Duh. No Need to print that. Everyone knows how dangerous Trampolines are. Especially when compared to other things kids can play with. Pikachu stuffed animals, Pikachu video games, and Pikachu coloring books. Well, maybe not coloring books, One Paper cut and Poke'mon and Nintendo will get sued for millions. People are so fucking retarded.
Maybe the parents of this dead boy will learn to take care of future babies they have. Or maybe they'll learn to get their kids to die from bigger companies after this?
"Windows '98 Killed our Boy!" ...a pause for fake weeping...."The installation disc was so sharp... Jagged....."
Another point that should be made is Trampolining is an Olympic sport. Would you let your 18 month old kid play with a shot put or a javelin? No. You should have got the kid one of those little trampolines Genghis Khan used in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". But, now your kid is dead. It's not JumpKing's fault. It's not the kid's fault. It's not Marilyn Manson's fault. Stop crying and go watch your other kids. They're busy sticking forks in light sockets, and dropping balls in the street while you’re crying to the local news about how you wish JumpKing would do "Something.... anything...."
You wanna be safe on trampolines and not die? Here are some helpful tips when talking about trampolines:
· Never invite nazis.
· Drinking Miller High Life while on a trampoline is never good. What if it spills?
· Vampires + Trampolines = Bad
· Try not to fall off, for God's sake!
· No Fat Chicks
· Cradle Of Filth is out of the Question! No! No! No!
· Piercings are okay, but not tattoos
· Stay near the shallow end
· French people are always a big downer
· The thought "anybody can jump on a trampoline, but who can do it....ON FIRE?!?!" is never a safe one.
· Gotta respect the condom
· Don't bring nobody's mother into it
Jumpin up and down,
Tim Death
2003
Today, I was too lazy to change the channel after "The Simpsons" ended. Sadly, I was forced to watch the news. And one such incident of "When Safety Goes Bad" occurred. I didn’t catch the entire story, because The Cool Ranch Doritos I was eating made a loud crunching. But, apparently some family bought a net for their trampoline. The net was designed to go up and around the trampoline, essentially locking kids in. I guess, so they don't fall out or off the trampoline.
The family's boy died. I'm not sure of all the details, but strangled in the net, I’ve heard. The crying family pleaded on the news.
"JumpKing Products took my boy!!” the woman cried out. "The Company Hasn’t returned any of our emails or phone calls! Don’t they care?"
What the woman meant was:
"Jump King is a very rich company. We would like to have a new house in exchange for this boy's life, but they wont call us back."
This parent is like the parents that blame "Jackass" and Ermine for their kid's death. Bad parents. Except that kids buy their own Cds. This parent bought this death trap for their kid. Their 18-month-old kid. They must have thought, "Hey, I think I'll get a device that launches my kid into the air. But, what if he falls off the device? I know! I'll get the same netting they use to kill dolphins to protect my boy! Im the best mom ever!"
Trampolines aren’t exactly the safest things around to begin with. This is why they use them in Japanese Death Matches!! But to leave your 18-month-old baby on one that has horrible nets all around it, unsupervised is very unsafe. And these parents obviously knew that. They also knew that checks come large when kids die.
The tag on JumpKing products clearly reads:
"Landing incorrectly, falling off, rebounding, stepping, falling, etc. are hazards". Duh. No Need to print that. Everyone knows how dangerous Trampolines are. Especially when compared to other things kids can play with. Pikachu stuffed animals, Pikachu video games, and Pikachu coloring books. Well, maybe not coloring books, One Paper cut and Poke'mon and Nintendo will get sued for millions. People are so fucking retarded.
Maybe the parents of this dead boy will learn to take care of future babies they have. Or maybe they'll learn to get their kids to die from bigger companies after this?
"Windows '98 Killed our Boy!" ...a pause for fake weeping...."The installation disc was so sharp... Jagged....."
Another point that should be made is Trampolining is an Olympic sport. Would you let your 18 month old kid play with a shot put or a javelin? No. You should have got the kid one of those little trampolines Genghis Khan used in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". But, now your kid is dead. It's not JumpKing's fault. It's not the kid's fault. It's not Marilyn Manson's fault. Stop crying and go watch your other kids. They're busy sticking forks in light sockets, and dropping balls in the street while you’re crying to the local news about how you wish JumpKing would do "Something.... anything...."
You wanna be safe on trampolines and not die? Here are some helpful tips when talking about trampolines:
· Never invite nazis.
· Drinking Miller High Life while on a trampoline is never good. What if it spills?
· Vampires + Trampolines = Bad
· Try not to fall off, for God's sake!
· No Fat Chicks
· Cradle Of Filth is out of the Question! No! No! No!
· Piercings are okay, but not tattoos
· Stay near the shallow end
· French people are always a big downer
· The thought "anybody can jump on a trampoline, but who can do it....ON FIRE?!?!" is never a safe one.
· Gotta respect the condom
· Don't bring nobody's mother into it
Jumpin up and down,
Tim Death
2003
I've got my passport to flavor country
Smoking sure is great, eh?
I’ve become aware that I look 20% cooler when I smoke. And that’s just when smoking by itself! Now, when I’m smoking with one hand and I have a beer in the other? I’m upwards to 50% cooler than I would be just standing around like a goofus. And if I’m smoking and drinking a jack and coke? Fuhgettaboutit!!
Also, I’ve noticed that people like me more when I’m smoking and say things like “Hey, nice cigarette, let us commence sexual relations” or “Hey, man. I didn’t know you smoked. Here’s a five dollar bill, see ya”. It’s noticeably better than non smoking.
Back in the dark ages before I was alive and didn’t smoke, I’d always notice ads in magazines and on billboards of smokers having the most fun in the world. And let me tell you, those ads are on cue. Now that I do smoke, I’m almost always skiing or mountain climbing with really attractive people. And at night you can usually find me dressed to the nines and gambling with even more attractive people and that guy who looks like Joe Camel. And depending on whether or not I’ve chosen a Turkish blend, sometimes I hang out with belly dancers.
In fact, when the only resource you use is magazine ads (which is the only one I ever use) the two happiest peoples on Earth are smokers and people who use Valtrex. I mean, seriously. Those Valtrex people are always on Seados or hot air ballooning or bicycling through untouched Washington woodlands with even more attractive people than themselves and it looks pretty fun. I’m pretty envious, but count me out cuz I don’t really want genital herpes. But I think I would accept them gladly if I were totally in love or really really really attracted to someone like Thora Birch style. Then it would be among the best decisions – Hell, it would be the best decision I could make!
In fact, I love everything about smoking! From the feeling of community to the fact that I now get to bitch about those “crybaby non smokers”. Well, no not everything, I guess. Because it smells like a wretched, horrible ass that caught on fire and fell into your mouth and lives on all your Ramones shirts. I mean, they say that smoking is flavor country, but they forget to tell you that the flavor is that of the Human Torch farting right into your mouth and then punching you in the stomach. He then steals your girlfriend for no reason.
Yeah, considering the fact that my OCD commands me to take 4 showers a day, I shouldn’t piss it off by smoking and getting myself all smelly. That and all that raising my hand up to my mouth to smoke? Fuck that. Get my arm all tired? No thanks. Well, I think I’m going to quit. It’ll be tough, but I’m ready for it. Besides, I’ve quit doing all things I love but watching “Futurama” and Jagermeister, so quitting will be easy.
And I’ve only been doing it for a few hours.
I’m in ass-flavored country,
Tim Death
March 11, 2004
I’ve become aware that I look 20% cooler when I smoke. And that’s just when smoking by itself! Now, when I’m smoking with one hand and I have a beer in the other? I’m upwards to 50% cooler than I would be just standing around like a goofus. And if I’m smoking and drinking a jack and coke? Fuhgettaboutit!!
Also, I’ve noticed that people like me more when I’m smoking and say things like “Hey, nice cigarette, let us commence sexual relations” or “Hey, man. I didn’t know you smoked. Here’s a five dollar bill, see ya”. It’s noticeably better than non smoking.
Back in the dark ages before I was alive and didn’t smoke, I’d always notice ads in magazines and on billboards of smokers having the most fun in the world. And let me tell you, those ads are on cue. Now that I do smoke, I’m almost always skiing or mountain climbing with really attractive people. And at night you can usually find me dressed to the nines and gambling with even more attractive people and that guy who looks like Joe Camel. And depending on whether or not I’ve chosen a Turkish blend, sometimes I hang out with belly dancers.
In fact, when the only resource you use is magazine ads (which is the only one I ever use) the two happiest peoples on Earth are smokers and people who use Valtrex. I mean, seriously. Those Valtrex people are always on Seados or hot air ballooning or bicycling through untouched Washington woodlands with even more attractive people than themselves and it looks pretty fun. I’m pretty envious, but count me out cuz I don’t really want genital herpes. But I think I would accept them gladly if I were totally in love or really really really attracted to someone like Thora Birch style. Then it would be among the best decisions – Hell, it would be the best decision I could make!
In fact, I love everything about smoking! From the feeling of community to the fact that I now get to bitch about those “crybaby non smokers”. Well, no not everything, I guess. Because it smells like a wretched, horrible ass that caught on fire and fell into your mouth and lives on all your Ramones shirts. I mean, they say that smoking is flavor country, but they forget to tell you that the flavor is that of the Human Torch farting right into your mouth and then punching you in the stomach. He then steals your girlfriend for no reason.
Yeah, considering the fact that my OCD commands me to take 4 showers a day, I shouldn’t piss it off by smoking and getting myself all smelly. That and all that raising my hand up to my mouth to smoke? Fuck that. Get my arm all tired? No thanks. Well, I think I’m going to quit. It’ll be tough, but I’m ready for it. Besides, I’ve quit doing all things I love but watching “Futurama” and Jagermeister, so quitting will be easy.
And I’ve only been doing it for a few hours.
I’m in ass-flavored country,
Tim Death
March 11, 2004
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Obama: Smokers are Jokers.
As you may know, the Obama administration has added an extra dollar or so tax on cigarettes. There's also a new 24 dollar tax on bags of tobacco for those "roll your own cigarettes". 24 fucking dollars. Can you imagine going to a Circle K tomorrow and grabbing a 20 oz. Pepsi just to realize it's now like 27 dollars? Sounds like wacky science fiction fantasies, but it's all real. Just like in the "Twilight Zone."
Anyway, it's a proven statistic that poor people are far more apt to smoke than rich people. It would be easy to criticize Obama for raising these taxes despite the fact that he told middle-class and poor people their taxes would no be raised at all "not one dime". But I ask a much simpler question.
Is it really the wisest thing to dramatically raise the price of something that poor people are physically and mentally addicted to?
I mean, we've all (especially those of us living in Dayton) seen what the affects of not being able to afford crack does to our poorer, crackheaded friends. I've had my car broken into for the spare change in the cup holder more times than Nirvana had songs about Heroin.
Last night in Dayton, someone drove a fucking tractor into a the side of a drive-thru, stole all the cigarettes and peaced out.
So, really, is it the wisest thing to dramatically raise the price of something that poor people are physically and mentally addicted to?
This is the plan we're going with?
Anyway, it's a proven statistic that poor people are far more apt to smoke than rich people. It would be easy to criticize Obama for raising these taxes despite the fact that he told middle-class and poor people their taxes would no be raised at all "not one dime". But I ask a much simpler question.
Is it really the wisest thing to dramatically raise the price of something that poor people are physically and mentally addicted to?
I mean, we've all (especially those of us living in Dayton) seen what the affects of not being able to afford crack does to our poorer, crackheaded friends. I've had my car broken into for the spare change in the cup holder more times than Nirvana had songs about Heroin.
Last night in Dayton, someone drove a fucking tractor into a the side of a drive-thru, stole all the cigarettes and peaced out.
So, really, is it the wisest thing to dramatically raise the price of something that poor people are physically and mentally addicted to?
This is the plan we're going with?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Scumdog Millionaires of the Universe.
Apparently, the father of the little Indian girl from "Slumdog Millionaire" was caught trying to sell her.
A rich Sultan wanted the cute lil' movie star all to himself and wanted to adopt the girl for 300,000 bucks.
And dumbasses all over the world are upset.
What you may not know iss this: The girl's family 's collective anus has been raped and ripped open and now hangs like the sleeve of a wizard by the makers of that movie. Despite starring in a world-wide hit that grossed hundreds of millions of dollars, the family got no money.
This little girl lives in a one-bedroom shack with her seven brothers and sisters in an Indian slum. I repeat: She lives in a one-bedroom shack with her seven brothers and sisters. Here's a photo of similar Indian slums:
And so a rich couple wanted to adopt the little Oscar winner for a few. hundred grand.
WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SAD OR HEART-BREAKING?!
The girl could stop living in mud and living with fucking cholera and live a real life. And that 300 grand could help out those other 7 kids living in mud and dying of cholera!!!!
For fuck sake!!! She wasn't gonna be sold into fucking slavery!!! A rich couple who couldn't have kids wanted to raise her and love her and take care of her. How dare anyone judge the father of the girl who just wanted the best for his daughter.
ANYWAY - I'm gonna try to win an Oscar so that someone will purchase me. I'll go cheap. Make some offers. Jon Holmes, I'm looking in your direction here.
Friday, April 17, 2009
National Record Store Day?
This weekend is the third annual National Record Store Day. A day in which consumers are urged to "celebrate and patronize their local independent record shops." And to this I say, where is our National Betamax Day or National Beeper Day? Why are some people (i.e. hipsters, scenesters and college kids) trying to celebrate dead technology? No one's implementing a return to covered wagons or horse-drawn buggies (except maybe Michael Moore), so why is it so important to keep vinyl records, and moreover - physical marketplaces dedicated to them - alive?
These vinyl extremists will tell you that MP3s don't count as music and going to Best Buy is on par with shaking hands with Satan himself. But, why? MP3s sound better than vinyl and you can keep 30,000 of them on an iPod the size of a deck of cards. And Best Buy has a better CD selection than your average local indie-shop by ten-fold and more often than not, at much cheaper prices. And, of course, you can always find anything ever released (and more) on the internet any time you want, either legally or not.
Of course, these technophobes may be happy to pay a few extra bucks per album for the ambiance of a local shop. The smell of petrulli and dust may appeal to some. And that's fine. But to imply that these local shops are somehow superior is silly. And, of course, most local shops have used sections, which is appealing, but bands and record labels and record producers make the same amount of money from used album sales as they do from illegal downloads - zero. So a misguided sense of supporting their favorite bands shouldn't influence consumers either way.
Things come and go. Sanskrit, dinosaurs and the VCR all ran their course and no one will deny we're doing better without them. So just let the the principals of supply and demand, new technology and weak record sales open the earth up to swallow up these record stores, which are really acting more as museums than marketplaces anyway.
As Bob Dylan once said, "The times they are a-changin'. You better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone." Only now Dylan is is singing that line in much better quality and for only 99 cents on iTunes.
These vinyl extremists will tell you that MP3s don't count as music and going to Best Buy is on par with shaking hands with Satan himself. But, why? MP3s sound better than vinyl and you can keep 30,000 of them on an iPod the size of a deck of cards. And Best Buy has a better CD selection than your average local indie-shop by ten-fold and more often than not, at much cheaper prices. And, of course, you can always find anything ever released (and more) on the internet any time you want, either legally or not.
Of course, these technophobes may be happy to pay a few extra bucks per album for the ambiance of a local shop. The smell of petrulli and dust may appeal to some. And that's fine. But to imply that these local shops are somehow superior is silly. And, of course, most local shops have used sections, which is appealing, but bands and record labels and record producers make the same amount of money from used album sales as they do from illegal downloads - zero. So a misguided sense of supporting their favorite bands shouldn't influence consumers either way.
Things come and go. Sanskrit, dinosaurs and the VCR all ran their course and no one will deny we're doing better without them. So just let the the principals of supply and demand, new technology and weak record sales open the earth up to swallow up these record stores, which are really acting more as museums than marketplaces anyway.
As Bob Dylan once said, "The times they are a-changin'. You better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone." Only now Dylan is is singing that line in much better quality and for only 99 cents on iTunes.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Topical Humor.
So, did you guys hear about these pirates near Somalia that kidnapped some American guy? Turns out they kidnapped Johnny Depp!
Pirates! Hello! They wanted the Black Pearl! Hello!
This pirates fad has gone too far when people are hijacking boats on the hi-seas!!
But, seriously folks. Pirates? I know in the time of exploration, a lot of sailors died of scurvy and malnutrition, but these Somalian pirates? That would be a step up for them! Hello!! They got no food in that part of the world!
But, really. What did the Somalian pirate say to the C.H.U.D.? Mutanty! Hello!!
Speaking of mutants, did you see this about North Korea and their nuclear rockets? Someone get William Shatner on the phone!! Hello!! He's a rock...et man! Hello!!
Speaking of William Shatner, did you see these commercials for this new Star Trek prequel? Who's that gonna help? They should go 50 years INTO the future so that Star Trek fans could finally see what it's like to kiss a girl!
Thanks. Youve been great blog readers. Remember the 730 blog is totally different from the 930 blog. Tip your waitresses.
Pirates! Hello! They wanted the Black Pearl! Hello!
This pirates fad has gone too far when people are hijacking boats on the hi-seas!!
But, seriously folks. Pirates? I know in the time of exploration, a lot of sailors died of scurvy and malnutrition, but these Somalian pirates? That would be a step up for them! Hello!! They got no food in that part of the world!
But, really. What did the Somalian pirate say to the C.H.U.D.? Mutanty! Hello!!
Speaking of mutants, did you see this about North Korea and their nuclear rockets? Someone get William Shatner on the phone!! Hello!! He's a rock...et man! Hello!!
Speaking of William Shatner, did you see these commercials for this new Star Trek prequel? Who's that gonna help? They should go 50 years INTO the future so that Star Trek fans could finally see what it's like to kiss a girl!
Thanks. Youve been great blog readers. Remember the 730 blog is totally different from the 930 blog. Tip your waitresses.
Sports. (Not concerning Huey Lewis).
Despite knowing very little about the subject, the last few weeks Ive been writing about sports for the newspaper I work at. There's this "water cooler" section where the two sports editors answer questions about sports. And those sports editors are letting me join in. Probably because they feel sorry for me and want me to stop cutting myself and crying in the room where we keep all the old newspapers.
Anyway, here's the last few weeks worth. I edited out the other guys' answers because Im an ego-maniac and because I don't want them to kick my ass because they told me not to tell people that we're friends.
Week One
What are your thoughts on the start of the NCAA tournament?
Im not a big fan of the missed layups and 3 minute scoreless stretches of game, so I don't really watch college ball, but I like that UD won. Chris Wright is a straight-up beast. I guess Obama picked North Carolina to win and based on that, I wouldn't expect much from them. Everyone Obama has picked politically so far has crashed and burned so I'd expect the same of his sports picks.
Who's going to win the NBA championship?
I think it'll probably be the Cavaliers, but everyone on the team who isn't The Chosen One or his sidekick, Mo Williams, are marginal at best and embarrassing at worst so it wouldn't be surprising if the Celtics or Lakers took it. As a Suns fan, though, I'll be happy so much as the Spurs get beat unmerciful by someone.
Are you excited for the upcoming MLB baseball season?
I haven't been excited about baseball since third grade and I think America, as a whole, hasn't cared about Baseball in decades. This steroids controversy is the most excited thing to happen to the sport since Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on acid.
Week Two
With the men's NCAA tournament down to the Elite 8, who is going to win it all?
The only teams I was even vaguely rooting for (Duke, Arizona, Dayton) have all been blown out with humiliating results so I clearly have no idea who will win. However, Obama's pick to win is North Carolina, so I hope they lose and somehow trigger a chain effect in America where people wake up and say "You know, Obama was wrong about the NCAA, and now that I think about it, his budget DOES tax and spend way too much.!!"
Who is the MVP in the NBA this season?
Obviously LeBron James. It's wild to see someone do so much with so little. Also, he'd probably be averaging a triple double for the season if not for the fact that he rarely plays in the fourth quarter. Of course though, D-Wade is a beast. But even if you're scoring 60 points a game, if your team still loses, you're only about as valuable as the guy who scored 6 points.
Week Three
Which do you like watching more: March Madness or the NBA playoffs?
NBA Playoffs, of course. This year's Eastern conference playoffs are going to be great. And I doubt there'll be long, scoreless stretches like in the NCAA. Aside from when the Cavaliers' bench players are on the floor, I mean.
Should a team take a chance on signing Michael Vick or Plaxico Burress?
I don't know anything about Plaxico other than he has a comic book super-villain name, but I don't think a team should sign Michael Vick, on account of he's a real-life super-villain. Also, the team would be opening themselves up to inevitable protests from PETA and other extremists. But, any publicity is good publicity, they say.
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