Small Earthquake’s 15 minutes extended due to worthless television journalism.

Did anyone watch the news yesterday? A teeny tiny earthquake hit LA. No one was hurt and the damage was mostly limited to jelly and jam falling off shelves in stores. Old Timey shopkeepers in the Los Angeles area probably all shouted "Tarnation!" at the same time, though.

Yet, this earthquake was on MSNBC, FOX News and CNN all fucking day long. About 20 minutes into the coverage, when it was clear that this was basically a non-story, the speculation began.

"This is a 5.4, but what if it had been an 8.7? What then?"

The anchors tried ever so hard to get their call-in guests to help them out.

"Are we in any more danger, scientist?"
"Nope. The worst is over. But I wouldnt call it the 'worst', really. The slight 10-second unpleasentness is over."

"Hey, dude on the street, were you scared when the earthquake hit? It was probably frightening, eh?"
"Naw, it was kinda fun. Like a waterbed."

One guy on FOX News even said something along the lines of "Earthquakes are scary. You know what else is scary? 9/11".

SERIOUSLY. Some anchor compared the earthquake to 9/11. Seriously.

I hate tv news so much.

Save the Drama for Obama.

Barack Obama (or as the mainstream media calls him: Jesus) was in Dayton the other day. What was he doing here? Sight-seeing all the breath-taking boarded up buildings in our lovely 4x6 block downtown area? Was he enjoying our many crackhead-infested parks? Or did he brave the warzone that is the neighborhood around the Art Museum in order to see the French avant garde work by Monet and Degas contained within?

Naw, he came to our great city so that he could speak down to us and be a pretentious asshole.

At the rally, Obama said that all Americans should learn Spanish or some other foreign language because being knowledgeable is good.

Meanwhile, Obama Does Not speak a foreign language and forgot to mention if his daughters do or not. So they probably don't.

What a pretentious Asshole.

McCain has been running ads saying that Obama wants to increase income taxes to anyone who makes more than $32,000 a year. Obama rebutted this in Dayton saying that McCain was "making stuff up".

Meanwhile, Obama IS in favor of letting tax cuts introduced by Bush expire. This would effectively increase income taxes for people who make over $32,000.

Apparently Obama defines "Making Stuff Up" as "informing people of facts".

Wedding, Part One: Dayton to Santa Cruz, via Houston. No Yao Ming sightings.

So, last Tuesday, I got on a plane with Jennifer so that we could go get married.

I hate airports and I hate them even more at 5 a.m. after sleeping for only 45 minutes.

Have you noticed those signs in airports that tell you you can have up to 11 containers of liquid that hold only 3 ounces? The signs all say "3 - 11" or something. The TSA doesnt give a fuck about subtlety in reminding people about 9-11 anymore.

I tried to sleep on the plane to no avail, as only the most horrible of people can actually get actual sleep on a plane. Though, I did manage to drift in and out of sleep, which proved to be awesome as I was listening to "World War Z"'s audiobook on my iPod. I kept waking up with a vague understanding that zombies had taken over the world. So, I guess that was okay.

On our way from Dayton to San Francisco, we had a layover in Houston, Texas.
About every five feet in Houston's airport (and, I assume, everywhere else in Houston) there are emergency defibrulators. But, I guess thats the kind of place Texas is. Texas is also the kind of place to have a huge, golden statue of George Bush, Sr. Sadly, I had forgotten my camera so there is no photographic evidence of me bowing down to George Bush or hugging him or anything. I did tell the statue to tell George W. Bush that I said thanks for that 600 dollars. And to also tell him about how I challenged anyone to rip up their economic stimulus checks to take a stand against him and no one did. George W. wins 1 to nothing.

We get back on a larger plane (everything's bigger in Texas) to head to San Francisco.

I have no strong feelings either way towards San Francisco.

Jennifer's grandpa picks us up to drive us to Santa Cruz, a place that I always thought I'd love to live in because the movie "Glory Daze" is set there and I like that movie. Affleck's the bomb in it. But I kinda have no strong feelings for it either. Well, mostly. They have an arcade that not only has "Marvel vs. Capcom 2", but it also has the second "Dungeons and Dragons" arcade game. So thats cool.

Jennifer and I spend our evening at the board walk making "Lost Boys" references and eating chili dogs and the best damn fried twinkie of all times. We ride the janky, carny-built ferris wheel at exactly sunset and if I wasnt so tough, Id say it was cute and romantic. Yeah, I remember it being cute and romantic.

After dark, we drive down the pier and listen to sea lions or something bark and we decide that if we ever live near a body of water, we'll be the kind of people who go down to the pier and fish at night.

More people Kimya Dawson looks like

Obviously:

Jill Scott's Grandma:

Aughra from "The Dark Crystal":

Ben Wallace, ravaged by a harsh future:

An open letter to Kimya Dawson

Stop making music, you shitty turd.

And you look like the dude from the Melvins.



Stop it. Just stop it.

You cant find anywhere nice and peaceful cuz someone will sneak up and write "Fuck You" on it.

I watched this documentary called "Fuck" last night. Its this entire film where they talk about the cultural relevancy of the word "fuck" and what it means and the stigma around it and yadda yadda.

And during the film, I kept thinking "There are words so much worse than fuck." And while I understand that Fuck is the coolest one and the one that WOULD get a documentary made about it, its not even close to the most offensive.

Ive said a lot of things that have offended people in my day and I dont think any of them were "Fuck".

Whore, bitch, cunt and nigger are far more likely to get you beat the fuck up for their verbal usage.

Hell, even words that aren't "obscene" are more likely to offend than "Fuck". Turn to the person on your right and say "Fuck". Just whisper it. I doubt much will happen. Now turn to the person to your left and whisper "rape". Im pretty sure something bad will happen. And, of course, abortion is about the one topic where I get emails like "Stop making blog about this. Its offensive to me!" and we hear that crap on the news all the time, when newscasters would be slapped with huge fines for uttering "fuck" or "shit", even though it would be awesome.

Check out todays headlines if they were allowed to be filled with awesome vernacular:

Shit kills Darfur fuckers

Six fucked in attack outside US mission in Shit City

Bush: 'Fuckin' progress' on climate shit

Now, that's all the news that's fit to print.

Never call politics after a long, lonely night of drinking and nostalgia.

I hate all the presidential nominees because they all seem to be my girlfriend. Not my actual girlfriend necessarily, but some strange amalgam of ex girlfriends.

Barack Obama
Barack Obama says he has always been a christian. He was never, ever Muslim, he will never be a Muslim, even if he dies of AIDS, he says. However, there are documents from schools Obama went to that say "Name: Obama, Religion: Muslim". Obama still denies his past. He says "No. Those letters in your hands, those photocopies. They dont exist."

This, of course, reminds me of all those conversations that went all:
"What the hell, girlfriend, you cheating on me?"
"Naw, Parker. I would never do this".
"Im looking at the email documentation right now! Also, there's like 5 naked dudes in your bedroom."
"No there arent."
"Theyre waving. One just winked at me, goddamnit!"

Thats the basic relationship me and Barack Obama have.

Ralph Nader.
He's just a whore. He likes being slapped around and spit on. He loves it.

Bob Barr
This guy is the Libertarian candidate you never heard of and never will. Also, he was in Borat. When he was a Republican congressman he spent 99% of his time trying to get Bill Clinton impeached for his oval office oral sex. Bob Barr was righteous and stood up for family values and his holy war against the "evil" Clinton implied Barr's own perfection. That is, until Hustler Magazine and Larry Flynt found out that Bob Barr cheated on his ex wife with his new wife and, despite fighting hard as hell to get abortion outlawed in these United States, Barr forced his ex wife to get an abortion.

And this parallels many a relationship Ive been in.

John McCain
McCain is the most liberal conservative man ever. He wants to develop green energy and wants to eliminate dependence on Oil. He has fought for both things vehemently. Also, he recently realized that he wants to start drilling for oil near the shores of Florida, Alaska and California. You cant do both! Its one or the other. We need more oil or we need less global warming. Pick one. McCain's actions are completely baffling.
This reminds me of this time I had a girlfriend that called me at like 2 in the morning from her ex boyfriend's house (on Valentine's Day) to ask me why I had so many myspace comments from some other girl.

America needs a new girlfriend.

The Happening 2:The thought of suicide gets you through many bad nights.

Seriously. This is a terrible film. I woke up last night in a cold sweat when I had a nightmare that someone had invited me to see this film again.

More reasons why this movie sucks:

1. Boom mics. All throughout the film.

2. Dante from Clerks. Really? He plays an extra in this film? No lines? Really?

3. I dunno if you remember 9/11, but people freaked the fuck out. Yet, for some reason, everyone seems pretty calm in this film.

4. The groups of people who arent calm and who fight get murdered by trees. Really? Is that a theme of this film? That people need to start getting along better because otherwise trees will kill them? This is also suggested by the fact that Marky Mark wears a mood ring through the whole film and doesnt die because he's in a good mood the whole time and in love with some whorey chick with big eyes. Little does M. Night Shyamalan know that mood rings cant really tell you your mood. Theyre just plastic.

5. Seriously, just think of this premise for a second. Plants get upset that people are angry and fighting all the time so they devise a way to evolve to kill humans. Think about this.

6. Dont think about it too hard because you will become dumber.

7. If a toxin COULD really cause you to want to die, why wouldnt people just claw their eyes out or ram their heads into walls until they died? These people are finding pretty creative ways to kill themselves. Walking into a tiger's den at zoo, starting a conveniently places lawnmower and sitting under it, climbing trees to hang themselves. What an amazing toxin.

8. At the end, they do a "3 months later" thing where everything is back to normal and no one is afraid of plants anymore (Marky Mark even has some in his house) and its dumb. We were still afraid of terrorists 3 months later and those were just dudes, much less all of New England's foliage coming to life to kill everyone. But this is how M. Night explains this. Its from a REAL interview:

...Yeah, that there was enough ambiguity to let it go, you know, so much as we, you know, everybody just goes back to that thing. As long as you give them an out to back to their lives, they will take the out, you know; so I need a path of least resistance, so if you tell me it is probably the government well, you know, what it was a nuclear leak. If that was possible? I'm just giving a go to that, you know, and I am going to keep it to that. There is sense also. Yeah! I mean there is a, you know, to make a change on that scale we would have to make, if that was happening, on and off we would be capable of doing that without even more pain.

What the fuck did he just, you know, like, say, you know? Yeah, you know. What an idiot.

9. Here are some actual lines of dialogue from this shitfest:
"You know, hot dogs get a bad rep. They gotta cool shape, they got protein. "
"We're not gonna be one of those assholes on the news who watches a crime happen and not do something! We're not assholes! "
"All right, be scientific, douchebag."
"Plants have the ability to communicate with other species of plants. Trees can communicate with bushes, and bushes with grass, and everything in between." (THIS IS NOT TRUE AT ALL)
"There are forces at work beyond our understanding. " (Like how people keep hiring M. Night Shyamalan to make movies)

10. The trees in Pennsylvania apparently shoot the trees in Paris an email and tell them to start killing people, too. Which is okay, I hate the French. But come on. Trees in America can send messages to trees on the other side of the world? Come on, buddy.

11. The ham-handed dialogue in the diner: "Hey, everyone! someone just sent me a video on my iphone. Lets all gather around and check it out!"

I hate this movie.

Here are some movie clips that are better than "The Happening".

"The Happening" Review: It is always consoling to think of suicide.

Very good filmmakers can make you feel a certain emotion as you watch a the characters on screen feel this emotion.

M. Night Shyamalan must be the greatest director of all time, because while I watched The Happening, I wanted nothing more than to kill myself. Twenty minutes in, I was looking around the empty theatre shifty eyed. "I could choke on that popcorn or maybe drown in that large soda". I prayed to god that I die before the end of the film.

This has to be the worst film ever made (well, third worst behind "Diary of the Dead" and "Land of the Dead"). If you can't tell this by the trailer, there's a "happening" and people start killing themselves in this film. While the moving mostly sucks, some of the onscreen suicides are fun to watch; Like the guy who gets eaten by tigers or the careers of John Leguizamo and Mark Whalberg.

Okay, it's trees. Trees cause everyone to die.

It's not a spoiler. They say it like halfway through. Besides, the big spoiler, twist at the end of this movie is you realizing you could have just ripped up a ten dollar bill and had more fun for less money.

The fact that trees make everyone die is an insult to anyone who's ever read a science book or even heard the word "science" used in a sentence.

Did I mention that I hate M. Night Shyamalan? This guy is so much of an ego maniac, he makes me look like the king of modesty. Shyamalan is often criticized for giving himself small but hugely importatant roles in his films. But his role in this film blows away all former instances of directors being conceited assholes. It makes Kevin Smith's self blowjob of a career look like a performance of "The Glass Menagerie" at a community theater. If you were to look at imdb.com, you'd see that Shyamalan plays the part of "Joey". Though, in the film, Joey is just someone that is referenced. Shyamalan now gets to claim that he plays parts that don't even exist.

I think the point of this film is to be for Globing Warming what "Godzilla" was for Nuclear Power. But instead it's more like what "Leprechaun 4: In Space" is to the Space Age. Shyamalan even slaps the very with a "subtle" sign in the film that says "You Deserve This". What an asshole.

No one could ever deserve a fate that involves having to sit through this film. Im pretty sure that it would be more fun to actually get a tree disease that makes you kill yourself than to have to watch Shyamalan's shitty movie with cardboard actors about the subject.

I should have seen "Iron Man" again.

You go over there and Fuck ’em. We’ll stay here and Masturbate. Go, go, go!

Goddamn it, am I mad at the fucking internet.

Not only have I been hating Post Secret a lot lately, which you may have read about but, Check this: This is about the happiest thing that anyone who has ever played World of Warcraft can ever see in their lives:



But soon after a wave of relief that I felt from canceling my account, a feeling that can only be comparable to to the relief one feels after being told they can "go home now" after being raped in all orifices by all manner of strangers for decades without end in a small dark room where Disturbed is the only thing on the stereo, I read this on Wikipedia:

"Feldman also plays a World of Warcraft level 70 retribution paladin under the name Coreyfeldmen on Laughing Skull US server."

Man! You know how many nights Ive stayed awake hoping to one day go on an adventure with Corey Feldman? And I blew it! How I'd like to fight orcs with Corey Feldman, make License to Drive references with Corey Feldman, drink a virtual ale with Corey Feldman, shove Corey Feldman.

And now I can't.

Also, Im mad at the internet for this:



Im looking for Scott Thompson and Google wants to give me a related search of Carrot Top?

Fuck you, Google. I dont care if Carrot Top's real name is Scott Thompson. Youve insulted the real Scott Thompson by implying theyre similar in any way.

Fuck you, Google.